It’s my birthday today.
Thank you very much, if you sent out a silent wish into the Universe for me.
This day in 2018, one month into my journey with WordPress, I woke up contemplating Suicide. Yes, you heard it right. That morning I found no reason to live. Absolutely nothing to tether me back to breathe deep again.
Until I found a few poems of mine written a decade ago falling off my table. Those staccato-like lines gnashing into each other like a stranger’s set of teeth in my mouth gave a reason to postpone my date with death.
It’s funny. Believe it or not, I sat down on the floor to curse whoever wrote them( a much younger ME!) and began to edit a poem on a whim. The urge to kill myself went away and I ended up writing what I consider one of my Best works till date.
You can hop over and read it here: https://peepintomymemorypalace.wordpress.com/2018/07/25/do-you-remember/
The rush of emotions. The insane hurricane of words splashing onto the screen. The splitting headache. I remember those 3 days of furious concentration, writing and just writing.
The post granted me my wish of finding a kindred soul on WordPress. Today Sabrina and me chat over Whatsapp. Ask me her favorite colour and I wouldn’t know. But in the dead of the night when I was facing a relationship crisis, she held my hand, albeit virtually and gave me a piece of advice that changed the way I connect with and understand my beau today.
I fell head over heels in love with writing and my days were filled with conjuring words and nothing else.
And those very words found their way deep into the neurons of WordPress and found me men who stopped by to hold my hand and say it’s okay to be me. Sunith, Sundaram, Dan, Mohul, Nirant, Matthew, Abhijit are faces I might not recognize if I see them right now in the street outside, waiting to be drenched with rain. But they know MY STORY. And for that I am grateful.
Benjamin is a face I have held in my hand. Those eyes are the eyes of a brother from another life. Finding him led me to an entirely new world. Literally and figuratively.
I wrote better. Heck! I even began to write poems. And then a very kind day stopped by me and a kinder soul from WordPress dropped a link to a song on Youtube. He found the song to resonate with my words. That song and that soul found me something so profound and pure as Love.
Judah Beh-Hur Israel. The man who made his way into my heart with a song. A wandering soul that’s at once a journalist, a singer/ songwriter/ guitarist, an agnostic with a ringing laughter that always assuages my scary, monstrous emotions.
Today, at around the same time I contemplated suicide 2 years ago, I was holding a plank and counting down seconds. Flush with sweat but riding a wave of happiness. Radiating respect and gratitude for the woman who made it possible.
Adriene Mishler, the owner of the wildly popular Yoga with Adriene youtube channel. A woman who lives so far from me and yet she is in my room everyday, motivating me to go deep, to be free, to be strong and to love myself first before I move out of my mat to love my world. She is a Guru I have never had until now. A teacher who is a friend, philosopher and guide during my weakest moments. Today when she hit a virtual hi-five into the screen, I hit back with a childish giggle, radiating a joy I have never felt before.
I was never social. Let alone be social media friendly. I vehemently kept away from them. I was an introvert. When I really had nothing much to say to people around me, what would I say to people who are just a name or sometimes a pseudonym in the deep belly of Internet?
But now, as I sit back and write this over a cup of coffee, I laugh at the words I just said! Apparently I had so much to say! To people I have never seen. To people I might never meet. Ironically they are the ones who know me better than my friends and family.
My Blog is My Story. It’s my Life.
I share my failures here because no one in our present world wants to be with us when we fail. Accomplish something and people of all sizes and colour buzz around you like unwanted bees. Fail at the same thing and you find yourself alone.
WordPress gave me an opportunity to be PRESENT and present myself and my life stories. I have made more connections and friends here, who have stuck by me when my real friends did not.
Empathy is a strange emotion. The thin line it shares with sympathy is often misunderstood and the borders crossed over like it’s a fool’s business.
I say strange because family and friends most often sympathise with us. Whereas with strangers, empathy is possible. I can’t explain you the connect until you experience it yourself.
I found empathy on WordPress. And Youtube. Knowing that someone, somewhere in this ever expanding Universe is standing strong by you, without as much as understanding your whole Story gives me a courage to go the distance. To pick life over death.
Today I have a soul sister. I have a friend. I have a partner to share my weirdness with. And I have a teacher who allows me to be me and find what feels good.
Life is all about choices. It’s about diverging roads all day, everyday. I chose to live that day, 2 years ago. And that has made all the difference.
Today I am Happy. To be alive. To be present. To be in love.
Today I am grateful that I am Happy. And I have people to share it with.
Today I am HAPPY to be Happy…It’s reason enough to choose life over and over and over again.
You can check out
Sunith @ https://sunithkollara.com/
Sundaram @ https://sundaramchauhanwrites.wordpress.com/
Nirant @ https://nirant138.wordpress.com/
Matthew @ https://abysspost.com/
Benjamin @ https://bwaynemike.wordpress.com/
Thank you for being there. Thank you for blessing me with your presence and with your words of encouragement for not just every single word I have written but for hearing my Story.
Thank you to each and every one who has read me over the years and reaching out.
And a HUGE Thank you to WordPress to making it all possible.