Happy Birthday To Me!

life

It’s my birthday today.

Thank you very much, if you sent out a silent wish into the Universe for me.

This day in 2018, one month into my journey with WordPress, I woke up contemplating Suicide. Yes, you heard it right. That morning I found no reason to live. Absolutely nothing to tether me back to breathe deep again.

Until I found a few poems of mine written a decade ago falling off my table. Those staccato-like lines gnashing into each other like a stranger’s set of teeth in my mouth gave a reason to postpone my date with death.

It’s funny. Believe it or not, I sat down on the floor to curse whoever wrote them( a much younger ME!) and began to edit a poem on a whim. The urge to kill myself went away and I ended up writing what I consider one of my Best works till date.

You can hop over and read it here: https://peepintomymemorypalace.wordpress.com/2018/07/25/do-you-remember/

The rush of emotions. The insane hurricane of words splashing onto the screen. The splitting headache. I remember those 3 days of furious concentration, writing and just writing.

The post granted me my wish of finding a kindred soul on WordPress. Today Sabrina and me chat over Whatsapp. Ask me her favorite colour and I wouldn’t know. But in the dead of the night when I was facing a relationship crisis, she held my hand, albeit virtually and gave me a piece of advice that changed the way I connect with and understand my beau today.

I fell head over heels in love with writing and my days were filled with conjuring words and nothing else.

And those very words found their way deep into the neurons of WordPress and found me men who stopped by to hold my hand and say it’s okay to be me. Sunith, Sundaram, Dan, Mohul, Nirant, Matthew, Abhijit are faces I might not recognize if I see them right now in the street outside, waiting to be drenched with rain. But they know MY STORY. And for that I am grateful.

Benjamin is a face I have held in my hand. Those eyes are the eyes of a brother from another life. Finding him led me to an entirely new world. Literally and figuratively.

I wrote better. Heck! I even began to write poems. And then a very kind day stopped by me and a kinder soul from WordPress dropped a link to a song on Youtube. He found the song to resonate with my words. That song and that soul found me something so profound and pure as Love.

Judah Beh-Hur Israel. The man who made his way into my heart with a song. A wandering soul that’s at once a journalist, a singer/ songwriter/ guitarist, an agnostic with a ringing laughter that always assuages my scary, monstrous emotions.

Today, at around the same time I contemplated suicide 2 years ago, I was holding a plank and counting down seconds. Flush with sweat but riding a wave of happiness. Radiating respect and gratitude for the woman who made it possible.

Adriene Mishler, the owner of the wildly popular Yoga with Adriene youtube channel. A woman who lives so far from me and yet she is in my room everyday, motivating me to go deep, to be free, to be strong and to love myself first before I move out of my mat to love my world. She is a Guru I have never had until now. A teacher who is a friend, philosopher and guide during my weakest moments. Today when she hit a virtual hi-five into the screen, I hit back with a childish giggle, radiating a joy I have never felt before.

I was never social. Let alone be social media friendly. I vehemently kept away from them. I was an introvert. When I really had nothing much to say to people around me, what would I say to people who are just a name or sometimes a pseudonym in the deep belly of Internet?

But now, as I sit back and write this over a cup of coffee, I laugh at the words I just said! Apparently I had so much to say! To people I have never seen. To people I might never meet. Ironically they are the ones who know me better than my friends and family.

My Blog is My Story. It’s my Life.

I share my failures here because no one in our present world wants to be with us when we fail. Accomplish something and people of all sizes and colour buzz around you like unwanted bees. Fail at the same thing and you find yourself alone.

WordPress gave me an opportunity to be PRESENT and present myself and my life stories. I have made more connections and friends here, who have stuck by me when my real friends did not.

Empathy is a strange emotion. The thin line it shares with sympathy is often misunderstood and the borders crossed over like it’s a fool’s business.

I say strange because family and friends most often sympathise with us. Whereas with strangers, empathy is possible. I can’t explain you the connect until you experience it yourself.

I found empathy on WordPress. And Youtube. Knowing that someone, somewhere in this ever expanding Universe is standing strong by you, without as much as understanding your whole Story gives me a courage to go the distance. To pick life over death.

Today I have a soul sister. I have a friend. I have a partner to share my weirdness with. And I have a teacher who allows me to be me and find what feels good.

Life is all about choices. It’s about diverging roads all day, everyday. I chose to live that day, 2 years ago. And that has made all the difference.

Today I am Happy. To be alive. To be present. To be in love.

Today I am grateful that I am Happy. And I have people to share it with.

Today I am HAPPY to be Happy…It’s reason enough to choose life over and over and over again.


You can check out

Sabrina @ https://sweetcaffeinedreams.wordpress.com/

Sunith @ https://sunithkollara.com/

Dan @ https://danventuretravels.com/

Abhijit @ https://theinspiredscribble.wordpress.com/

Sundaram @ https://sundaramchauhanwrites.wordpress.com/

Nirant @ https://nirant138.wordpress.com/

Mohul @ https://mohulbhowmick.wordpress.com/

Matthew @ https://abysspost.com/

Benjamin @ https://bwaynemike.wordpress.com/

Judah @ https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCVgU4O8wQXeImr4R_YPE2UQ

Adriene @ https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCFKE7WVJfvaHW5q283SxchA and https://yogawithadriene.com/

Thank you for being there. Thank you for blessing me with your presence and with your words of encouragement for not just every single word I have written but for hearing my Story.

Thank you to each and every one who has read me over the years and reaching out.

And a HUGE Thank you to WordPress to making it all possible.

28 thoughts on “Happy Birthday To Me!

  1. To be honest…. your words are always alive for me.. they posses a soul especially today… in them I can hear your pulsating heart full of joy… it been a great journey reading you and so it shall be in days to come.
    You are a pure soul Lalitha, and your blog is a gift to those who come across it.

    And yeah the analogy of someone’s teeth in your mouth fits the situation perfectly. It would be the most awkward thing.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Wow! It’s so funny how things work and how certain paths seems to cross at the very moment we need them! I’m so happy to be able to witness such an amazing journey! Your growth has been incredible. And even in your darkest moments your words were always so alive and vibrant! I’m so glad you fought hard and continue to fight! On days when I feel like I’m done writing or I need a break from blogging, your words always encourage me to continue to share my gift! You are such a strong woman! You never cease to amaze me! Thank you for being a great friend to me as well! Miles apart but you would never know it! Thanks for being you Lalitha! ❤️. Also.. my favorite color is pink haha! 😉

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I don’t believe in coincidences. To me, we are all connected somehow and we all show up for each other when the right time comes. And I think that firm faith in Divine Providence is what has taken my Life on its path here.

      We were meant to meet to help each other progress in our individual paths and holding on to each other’s hands when we tripped. At times when I wanted to give up writing, what kept me going was you. You have been a constant source of quiet inspiration. Thank you for being you Sabrina.

      And my favorite color as a kid used to be pink. It’s been Blue for over 3 decades. But Pink has come back to me! Imagine even Judah loves pink!😂

      Liked by 2 people

  3. Hey Lalitha! 👋…long time, huh?…😀…I’ve missed you. I know, it was me who was gone from WP. Tough world, doesn’t let one enjoy the one thing he loves. Writing. Anyways. A very very happy birthday to you my friend. May you live more lives per second going forward. Happy to find you back…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yeh lo! I was to say the exact same thing before I held myself back convincing myself somehow of coming across as too cheesy!

      You have no clue how often I have wondered about your ‘Hollow Man’ act! I am so glad you are back…or are you really back?

      Like

      1. Haha… In a moment of hopelessness one day I had almost deleted all my posts and turned my back on WP. But I am back, for whatever it’s worth. Have been posting regularly for a month. How have you been? I could read your posts too, to know that…☺️🙃… such an honest blogger that you are..

        Liked by 1 person

      2. F***! NO! Thank God you didn’t!

        Yesterday while I went hunting for your blog page, is when I realized how long it’s been since I read you! Oh! The memories of finding you, reading you and being in awe of you…they all flooded me!

        I missed you Sandy! Missed you much! I can’t be happier that you are back! And that I found you back on my birthday!

        Imagine I wasn’t notified of your latest posts!

        Im hopping over as soon as I can to read your new work and flood your with comments obviously!

        P.S. Don’t you DARE delete your work!

        Like

      3. Thanks so much, Lalitha…I deleted most of the earlier ones…but am trying to scrape the ideas together from here and there and repost them. So you might in the near future see some of the older ones, a bit tweaked though…but I feel I’ve gained back a genuine person. Maybe I will feel more inclined to write and post now. Always love your comments…🎼🎼🎼🤘🤜🤛

        Liked by 1 person

      4. Your writings are like a hot cuppa tea on a rainy day; always refreshing! New, old, tweaked; anything goes for me. Im waiting Sandy!

        And Thank you for finding your way back. Incidentally, I wanted to quit WP in June. Wanted to delete everything and disappear out of trace! Something stopped me and on my birthday I found my mojo back. And imagine my luck, I found you back!

        Like

      5. Let’s do one thing. If ever you’re leaving WP, just drop me an address, for me to be able to contact you: email, FB etc. Because I felt it then, and I feel it even more powerfully now that we’ve a great connection. And connections are so rare nowadays. Always wish you smiles…🎼🤘😀🎼

        Liked by 1 person

      6. Bhai mere! You can’t do this! You can’t be stealing my thoughts!

        We can’t be thinking the same! But then maybe we can…We have had a uncanny connection from the get go Sandy. I mean you were either my first follower or the second. And we had a rip roaring time on our respective comment boxes. I even shared a personal recurring dream of mine with you first.

        I missed you…I mean I REALLY missed you when you were gone. The day I wrote the gratitude post, while listing out the men who made a huge impact on me, your name simply slipped out without any thought whatsoever. It was a beautiful moment for me. More than anything, I missed our banter in WP. It was like we were seeing a different sunrise from the rest out there. Atleast that’s how it was for me.

        Seeing you back on my birthday felt like going back to school and finding that one friend from who you forgot to take contact details from!

        I love Kabir’s dohes. Remember “Kal kareso aaj kar, Aaj kareso abhi”?…why wait for someday…Here’s my email id : lalitha.mkrishnan@gmail.com. My FB page is a joke! So there…

        Drop me a mail soon so I can ask you that one question I always wanted to since your name popped up on my comment box years ago.

        Thank you Sandyji!

        Liked by 1 person

    2. Thank you so much for the wishes Sandy! Can I call you Sandy? 🤣 I read a book when I was 17 called The Class by Erich Segal. There’s a character in it called Sandy. Everytime I think of you and that side swept hair my head goes, “Oh! There’s Sandy!”….sorry! Im just being too hilarious!

      Like

  4. Lovely post Lali 🎂👍😘You are Beautiful n Awesome dear. God bless you n protect you may this year be fruitful and wonderful.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Here I am Lal, Here I am.
    Happy to just read how your story has been since that day… And it is really moving to see how writing has changed your Life, literally changed everything. Is that not powerful what you have done sitted behind that little screen! That xp OS I haven’t seen in ages. My! Midas touch uh?

    I am really happy for you and the journey you have had Lal… It is indeed a happy birthday.

    Happy birthday Lalitha!

    And
    PS; I literally sweated when you held my face. 😂

    PS: I have had unbelievable moments in my life and seeing you in flesh and blood, is one of them.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You are late Benji! Better late than never!!

      IMAGINE what I ended up doing in that old laptop with XP as the OS! Certainly Midas touch! I still can’t believe I changed the entire course of my life word by word!

      Thank you for the wishes. Thank you for being there. Thank you for Judah. And thank you for being uniquely YOU.

      I remember that sweaty face in the dead of the night! Can’t forget it!

      Seeing you live was an incredible moment to me too. The only thing I didn’t do was ask for an autograph on my palm!🤣

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Belated birthday greetings to you, Ms Lalitha! Hope you are blessed with with good health and lots of happiness in the year ahead. This post is very emotional and I feel so strongly moved by your words. I am so glad that you are feeling better now and the fact that I played a minuscule part in your WordPress journey makes me so proud. Wishing you well, take care and happy writing!

    Liked by 1 person

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